Tilt, Flow, Charge, Resistance

I’ve had many interesting thoughts throughout the day, as a consequence of, and combined with, feeling a bit down. This is not the elation that one should feel after getting laid. Really, all I feel are wasted opportunities. Too often I feel this way, and its become a regular part of my life, the rumination of lost possibilities.

 

If one were to simply let go, to let the personality and natural flow of life take one where it will, and if that could be done (for me it was done for much of my life. I was not so self-conscious when younger, besides the odd slip up in sports, as the time that I saw a screen pass was going to be thrown, but rather than charging immediately and getting an interception and perhaps running the length of the field for an incredible touchdown, I hesitated. I always asked questions and was very thoughtful, but not near, not even the same ballpark as now. I didn’t even know there was a game!), then I could be happy with few regrets. But I cannot do that, and I will not allow myself unless I keep as alert as I am now, alert and with sharp senses and enough memory to keep the facts at hand; that there is a better way, and that I must find it.

 

If it is a quest for perfection, then so be it. More so, I think, it’s a quest for harmony between dreams, aspirations, wants, and the world’s willingness to supply them. On one hand, I must know what my wants are. That is, to feel bad about missing a poetry reading because I went to trivia shows that I prefer the one over the other.

 

To feel bad after spending the night at a girls’ house, and playing poker for hours beforehand when I should have been sculpting says as much as well. As for the girl… and for the necessity to look for others on such a regular basis, expresses a need for sexual gratification at one level, and a deeper relationship on another. I think, between the two, the deeper relationship means more to me; hence why I do not feel better for the sex. I was so spoiled with a beautiful girlfriend who I loved and was my best friend. You can’t force that relationship on anyone, you can’t make it happen just by wanting it badly enough. It takes work. Just like anything, it takes patience and work. But this is not like sculpting, this is not like surveying, it’s a wholly different animal, where having knowledge of physics and proportion does not help so much.

 

What does help? Generalizations about women? I’m a social cat, but why not better with one? Have I really forgotten so much that I no longer know how I got here? Can I not communicate how someone else might traverse my labyrinthine self? And if it’s about self-consciousness or hiding some things back for other reasons, in this case, allowing that flow to take hold is your absolute best bet. Relationships are fluid, and if you can’t go with each other, you don’t go anywhere.

 

The two seemingly-at-odds ideas have somehow led from one to the other. Presuming the benefit of past-action analysis on the relationship front (whereby what ruminations can tell me for the future are good), and the analysis’s conclusion points to a rejection of self (or other) analysis, what do we have left? A time and a place for all things, it seems. Flowing when the time is best to flow, and pausing to consider when the rush has ended. Timing.

 

Best to know yourself: your desires, your wants. Good to know the world’s willingness to give them up. What is necessary, what is required, as an exchange. I’ve already broken thousands of rules to get where I am; public sentiment usually comes with a heavy pricetag, and I’ve been getting off light.

 

Just a little reminder that if you want it all, it does not come easy. Learning to let go of thoughts at the right time is an incredible skill. You know what to say and how to respond without thinking. Thoughts are for now. Not tomorrow. Meditation can help mental discipline. Ready to do it again? … Not yet. Let’s see what Independence Day has in store for us. Then take stock. [Dec. 2012. Edit: Independence Day did not have much. I spent the day at home, writing.]

 

What is it that burdens me? Money. Women (double-edge here). Cigarettes and booze (again double-edge). Natural limitations of the human body and mind. Social obligations (double-edge). Time? No, actually. Time does not burden me one bit. The size and scope of humanity and the universe at large? More of a challenge than a burden. The size and scope of my aspirations? Yeah… triple-edge?